In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
