Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
No subtext here. People are naked.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
