So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
