apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
