your thong is hanging out like whoa
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
