she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
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