mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
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