why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
you made out with another girl for some wings
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
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