hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
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