So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
