Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
