tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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