Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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