I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
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