You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
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