We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
The feeling are messing with the penis
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Randomize
