The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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