Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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