im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
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