My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
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