you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
