First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
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