oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
