the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
