i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
