I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
