If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize