Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
