Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
