my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize