I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Randomize
