you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
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