I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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