I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
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