My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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