Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
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