someone get that fucking seahorse.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Randomize
