After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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