I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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