highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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