I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
