I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
it's like iHOP with fire
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Randomize
