I want to walk on stilts...naked
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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