Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Randomize
