I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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