dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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