I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
