Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I puked a lego.
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
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