do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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