She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
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