fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
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