Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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